There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
