summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
