Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
