she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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