He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
