Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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