I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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