Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I supernannyed him into submission
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
