I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
