I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
