we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
