My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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