dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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