Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
