my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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