She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
