bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
