Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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