In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
