I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
