i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
