Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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