Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
