I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
