there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
