Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
