So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize