I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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