I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
