When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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