I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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