She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
