Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
