i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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