A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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