He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
