gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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