How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish you could order shots online.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Randomize
