What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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