Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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