I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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