Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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