im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
