Jerry, you need to find god
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
