We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
