Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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