I puked a lego.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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