Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
