youre lurking in front of me
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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