just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
