I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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