i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
