Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
