Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
