just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
