I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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