i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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