That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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