Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
