Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
There's even glitter on my cock...
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