Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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