i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
