listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize