I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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