I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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