My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
