I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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