I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
