I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
