I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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