so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize