good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
