The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
