Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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