I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
