My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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