I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
