omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
