dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
