You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize