Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize